You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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