i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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