sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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