you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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