I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
