I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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