I met the friendliest cop last night
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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