Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
