drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
