I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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