So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
