she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
they're like a gay fantastic four
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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