Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
