please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
