My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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