so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
