my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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