I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
