You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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