I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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