she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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