There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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