So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
