I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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