I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
