Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
