the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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