My Higher Power is John Stamos
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
