We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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