pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
