I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He called his prostate his "boner button".
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
