I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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