I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
