And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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