The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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