My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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