I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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