just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
