I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
