I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
