I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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