I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I FOUND THE LEGS
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