Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
