I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
