I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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