Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
People in love make me want to vomit
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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