He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
