I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize