real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
