somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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