the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
