you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
