I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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