My first STD was from a foam party
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
