he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
