No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
