you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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