woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
