You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
