im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Randomize
