you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize