Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
