I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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