I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
