just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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