I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
